Horror Art Online: The Terror Of Kambigan
by ultraatari
Summary: Kirito and Asuna discover a game based off creepy-pastas just fails to deliver actually being scary until they get reminded of good friends like Cixen Liu.


Kirito is waiting for Asuna to sign on as apparently hookah lounges are the save points in this game, and as she does she finds him smoking hookah.

"Really Kirito? Since when do you smoke?"

"Hey it's pretty good. I got mango! All the benefits and none of the lung cancer."

The Shikamaru AI says yells in the background how claims against smoking are the unfounded propaganda of soyboys and that vaping isn't even carbon dioxide but carbon monoxide.

"Also this AI is worthless at indulging any actual info for this game and instead just seems like a mouth piece for the creator. BUUUT from what I can tell... We can use hookah to open portals to random levels. that's cool right? Underage smoking, the smoke creates a vortex into another plane of consciousness where spirits dwell, and we fight them. isn't that neat?"

"...Is hookah opium?"

The AI still ranting in the background

'Its just tobacco!"

"Well you sure don't act like it!"

"Oh quit being such a prude Asuna and come smoke the mystery pipe with me and expand your mind."

"K..."

Asuna takes a puff and opens a portal.

"See? You know I had my doubts at first but if you give the game some time you really find its quite enjoyable and..."

"Kirito where are we?"

Kirito and Asuna find themselves in a muddled swamp area hearing toads croak in the distance.

"It's some kind of bog...or marsh..."

"Why can't you just call it a swamp?"

"Look Asuna. If I have to use proper grammar in school than I'm going to make the most of it and use fucking big words that noone actually uses in day to day conversation."

"Those aren't big words. they're one syllable."

"The fuck did you just call me?"

Asuna groans and the toads get louder.

"Wow those toads are really annoying..." Kirito accidentally steps on one.

"Oops..."

"Kirito!"

"What?! It was an accident! Besides it's not like they're real."

Some of the toads croaking suddenly turn around and stare at them.

"This is trouble isn't it?"

One of the toads inhales deeply.

"Fucking normies!" All the toads yell "RRRREEEEEE"

Asuna nods "big trouble..."

The two of them are running away at toads are hopping toward them muttering random nonsense "it's all ogre!" "look at that Chad with his 8/10 sl'oot!" "Anyone less than 7'0 doesn't stand a chance!"

"What the fuck are these things Kirito?!"

"Well given the fact the toads are black and their dialogue imma go with that's a black pill reference."

"And what pray tell is a black pill?"

"It's like the red pill only way dumber and more bans on reddit."

"What the hell is a red pill?!"

"FUCKING STACY RRRREEEEEE"

Suddenly the toads stop chasing them. Pausing for a moment as they hear shuffling among the trees and start hopping in the opposite direction.

"oh good they're leaving."

"Kirito, you've played enough video games to know if the mob is running away probably something far worse is nearby..."

"Yeah but this is a horror game Asuna! It's all deep and shit. The threats aren't some giant generic boss monster, but your own insecurities and self doubt. You gotta self reflect and..."

From out of the trees comes some giant warthog looking thing that stands as a man with a giant axe.

"OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT KIRITO"

Kirito unsheathes his swords...

"You know I was expecting Alien: Isolation, but I can live with Resident Evil 5..."

Kirito charges at the warthog man and as he tries striking it with his blades the warthog parries all of his attacks with the greatest of ease and takes a big chunk out of his HP with a swift strike of his axe forcing Kirito to pull back.

"Ok maybe Resident Evil 4..."

"Can we best this thing Kirito?"

"Sure we can. Look. I can take two...maybe three more hits. Imma distract him and while he's parrying me you flank him from behind with your rapier."

"Did you just pronounce that as rape-her?"

"Well that's what you do with a sword isn't it?"

"...I'm not gonna dignify that with an answer."

"Look do you wanna beat this thing or not?"

"Fine!"

Kirito distracts the warthog and Asuna runs behind it and does as Kirito says taking an epic jab at it with her rapier. As it plunges into its back a little (critical!) would floats above her rapier. "Hah! Nice..."

A snapping sound emerges from the warthog as it turns it's head 180 degrees looking straight into Asuna's eyes. Asuna says to herself

"Why would you ever listen to a man Asuna? Why?"

The warthog let's out a roaring squeal turning around and swinging it's axe right at her depleting her HP by half in one swoop.

"Asuna!!!"

Asuna is trying to outrun it but the warthog is quickly catching up with her."

"Damn. Since when could pigs run fast? I know... I'll just go hide in that big dark ass cave over there. That sounds like a good plan Asuna!"

Asuna heads toward the cave and the warthog does not follow. Stopping dead in it's tracks just staring at the cave which Kirito takes the initiative and lunges at it piercing it from behind with both his swords killing the warthog. It drops an item called bacon.

Meanwhile Asuna is walking around in the cave.

"Damn it sure is dark in here..."

In the distance she hears a heavenly voice singing.

"Hello, is somebody...Wait what the hell am I doing? I've read Dark Forest."

Deeper in the cave the female voice speaks up.

"It's ok Asuna. I'm a friend."

"You know the way you said that doesn't exactly fill me with confidence."

"It's fine. You'll be safe in here from that accursed warthog."

"True..."

Asuna walks in deeper and the woman begins singing again. She notices as she draws in closer the woman singing is no woman at all. She gasps silently in fear covering her mouth as before her very eyes is a very surreal image of a giant python with six human tits singing gently to a baby warthog as it suckles on one of them drinking her milk. The python sings to the baby hush little baby don't say a word cradle. As it begins to fall asleep "there you go..." it than opens its gapping mouth and begins to swallow the baby warthog whole.

Kirito yells from outside the cave. "Hey Asuna you can come out now! I killed the warthog... Kirito begins chowing down on the bacon. "It dropped bacon! You like bacon don'tcha?!"

Asuna just walks out of the cave with her head down not saying anything.

"Geez Asuna... I don't know what's saltier you or the bacon. Look, you can have some if it means that much to ya."

"Let's just get the fuck out of here..."


End file.
